Episode 2
· 34:51
If you've been rejected sexually by your spouse too many times to count, then you're probably feeling insecure, undesired, and even questioning, do they want to have sex with me? In this podcast, we're going to give you three alternatives to try when one of you is not in the mood so you don't have to feel rejected and alone in the bedroom.
Casey:We are Casey and Meygan Caston. We are the hosts of the Marriage365 Podcast. We are authors, speakers, but most importantly, we are relationship and marriage coaches. We've been working with couples for now fifteen years, helping them find solutions and true healing in their relationship. And I will tell you, it's the most gratifying work to watch a couple that was once hopeless in in despair find actual true healing in their relationship.
Casey:Sexual rejection is gotta be one of the most the hardest rejections because you know, we are being sexually rejected. It's like the most vulnerable part of who we are.
Meygan:It's the most intimate thing we do as couples. Right. And so when that keeps happening, and we're gonna do a deep dive on this, you just start to question a lot of things on your marriage, a lot of things in your relationship. And that's what we're gonna dive into.
Casey:And now life is very busy and hectic. I mean, think about how busy our schedules are.
Meygan:Oh, yeah.
Casey:Taking kids back
Meygan:and
Casey:forth to school, to practice, doing the business stuff, social calendar. So I mean, there's a lot of things taxing our libido.
Meygan:Absolutely. And I think too that we really wanna connect that way. Like when we get married, no one's like, I hope I'm in a sexless marriage. Like, hope I reject my husband every day. Of course not.
Meygan:But it happens. Yeah. Right? It's impossible for both you and I to be in the mood at the exact same time. It's impossible for you and your spouse to be in the mood at the exact same time every time, year after year.
Meygan:So if you know that someone's not gonna be in a mood, I think we go about this the wrong way in marriage.
Casey:And we know that stress and stress is like the number one libido killer.
Meygan:It is.
Casey:And we live in probably most stressful and most anxiety riddled generation and time of life where news is immediate and there's a lot of stress that we're all experiencing. So we're probably like the least like desired
Meygan:sex Sexual desired group of We're overworked, we're overstressed.
Casey:Yeah.
Meygan:Okay. So I wanted to say this just briefly, and I know we're going to talk about it later on, but this is not just a dude issue.
Casey:Okay.
Meygan:Like, I want to be very clear. This is not just husbands are rejected sexually. Wives are also rejected sexually. So stay tuned for that because there's some interesting statistics we'll share later.
Casey:Okay.
Meygan:All right. So let's talk about why does this hurt so
Casey:bad? Okay.
Meygan:And I think the number one thing, it destroys confidence. Yeah. If you have been sexually rejected multiple times, you just start to doubt yourself. Yeah. Physically, emotionally, the marriage, am I sexy?
Meygan:Am I enough? Does my spouse find me still attractive after all these years?
Casey:Yeah. It starts to feel all these insecure thoughts of of like this, am I valuable enough? Am I worth the pursuit? And confidence like, you know, confidence is being able to walk into the bedroom and going, hey, hey, what's
Meygan:going on? I know you find me attractive. So it's not just a lack of confidence physically. It's also a lack, I think of confidence just between the relationship between the couple. And that is very scary.
Meygan:That's a scary place to be where once you found me attractive, and I was confident in that. And now because you've rejected my, you know, my my, what is it called when you initiations? I've initiated sex, I've put myself out there and I've been rejected. I start to lose that confidence that we've got something good going on between us.
Casey:So the root word of confidence is the Latin word which is for trust. So if I can make this vulnerable request of like, hey, wanna have sex with you. Confidence is I trust that you're gonna respond positively to me. Mhmm. Right?
Casey:But when that gets worn down, yeah, we don't have the confidence that when I initiate sex that you're gonna respond in a positive way and say, yeah, that sounds great. So when you continually get rejected, don't have Confidence. Trust. We don't have trust that our spouse is gonna respond the same way. I also think it destroys connection, right?
Casey:Because sex is such an invaluable part of a marriage relationship. You know, we've kind of always said it's like the beer goggles of marriage where like sometimes having sex releases all these amazing hormones. Like you think about the dopamine, right? The oxytocin that bonding hormone and so when a couple goes into this phase where they they're low sexed or sexless, you know, they don't have those types of bonds and connections anymore.
Meygan:Yeah, we can do our taxes with our tax guy. We can communicate to our friends, our family.
Casey:And know with
Meygan:this, you can you can do chores with your kids. Sex is that one thing that no matter what you only do with your your spouse.
Casey:I didn't know what our CPA had to do with sex.
Meygan:Well, I'm saying like money and communicate. I'm saying they're they don't have anything to do with
Casey:sex. Know. Yeah. That's where you led off with. Yeah.
Meygan:I know. But this is the one area where you get to connect on a much deeper level. And so even if someone's listening and watching us and they're not in a sex less marriage, they're having sex, but there's been rejection.
Casey:It
Meygan:does start to kind of pull away at that connection that you have. Right?
Casey:Yeah. I I think that you're communicating without saying it, that I'm not interested in you.
Meygan:Even if that's not true.
Casey:Even though that's true. Yes. Actually, and let's let's talk about this. There's kind of like two ways either we do this very intentionally or we do it unintentionally.
Meygan:Two ways we reject our spouse.
Casey:Yeah. Yeah. So when we talk about unintentional and for all you that listening, I'm getting to assume the positive that you're not sitting there going, I wanna sabotage my marriage in a way that's damaging and going to lead to anger and resentment. So just be aware that like, sometimes we're not intending to do that to have our spouse experience rejection, but it's the way that we respond to it. So the first one is like, you know, unintentionally, and this happens often.
Casey:Somebody makes a bid and just like, Hey, I'm just not in the mood tonight.
Meygan:You have a headache. You had a bad day. Ladies, they start their period. The kids were awful. The house is a mess.
Meygan:You're bloated. You feel a little gassy, you know, like there's a million reasons And it's not that you don't want to have sex, but you're just really, you know, you're not going to get there.
Casey:We've coached a lot of women and they've always said I'm touched out.
Meygan:Oh, especially when your kids are little. Yeah, I'm touched out. I'm tapped out. I don't want anyone else touching me. Again, we want to believe the best in couples that most of the time sexual rejection is unintentional.
Meygan:They're not meaning to do it intentionally and it happens. But can we talk about intentional rejection?
Casey:Well, can I can I just ask? Because I'm still trying to understand, like, I don't know if I've ever been touched out. So what does that mean to you? Yeah. And that's because when when someone
Meygan:said question. Yeah. So you've never been a stay at home dad. So, a stay at home dad or a stay at home mom would know or someone who's with their kids all the time. They're on you.
Meygan:They're touching you. You're changing diapers. You're feeding babies. You're breastfeeding. There's there's toddlers climbing all over you.
Meygan:Yeah. You're you're picking your kids up at the park in the playground and putting them in a swing set. Like, imagine just constant touch. Okay. You're wiping their goopy peanut butter and jelly hands.
Casey:Yeah.
Meygan:You're putting them in bed, you're bathing them. Think about all of those touches that you just did throughout the day. Uh-huh. So to think of just anyone else touching me, I haven't been by myself. There's a lot of moms that joke.
Meygan:We don't even go, you know, to the bathroom in privacy. Yeah. We got little kids with us.
Casey:Little fingers under the door. Yeah.
Meygan:So just sometimes by the end of the day, you're like, I I can't have anyone else touch me. So that's what that means.
Casey:I I don't I I think a lot of husbands need to hear that perspective. That's why I was asking because I don't think that they totally understand. Like, you know
Meygan:I'm touched out what that means. Yeah.
Casey:Like, I I don't think I'd ever felt touched out.
Meygan:And unless if you've been with your kids for a full day with no help, you probably wouldn't know. Yeah. And so, okay. So let's transition to intentional, intentional rejection. Now I've heard many stories in coaching sessions where I was laying down in bed.
Meygan:I knew my spouse was in the mood, they kind of started pursuing me and I pretended to be asleep. But I wasn't actually asleep. That is intentional rejection.
Casey:I'm only laughing because I remember an every love everybody loves Raymond episode. Remember where Deborah's trying to fall asleep? Raymond's trying to make the passes and she's like,
Meygan:oh, she's like snoring extra
Casey:loud. Yeah. So tell me. There
Meygan:are people to be more serious about it. There are people who actually use sex as a weapon. And well, hurt me. You yelled at me today. And so I'm going to withhold sex from you on purpose.
Meygan:The next time that you initiate sex, I'm saying absolutely not. Right? Yeah. These are intentional ways you're trying to avoid you, you plan, you know, typically you have sex at night, and you're gone with your friends, or you go to bed early on purpose, thinking ahead of time, I don't want to have sex with my spouse. That's when it becomes intentional.
Casey:Yes. And you're using sex as as a weapon and it's like payback for you hurt me and now I'm gonna you don't get it.
Meygan:You don't get it because I know that that's important to you. And I don't want you to have that experience that and that and that obviously is not good. We're not recommending that, but it is good for anyone watching this to do like a self check of, are you doing it unintentionally or has it been even intentional? And I think that your spouse is really smart and they probably know which one it is though. Both rejections are still difficult.
Casey:Yeah. You're both still feeling that pain of rejection.
Meygan:Yes.
Casey:I mean, again, it's one thing to be like rejected from a job. It's one thing to be rejected, you know, in high school, but sex. With your spouse.
Meygan:The person you're with forever. That pain
Casey:is
Meygan:so deep. It's just, it hits different. Right? And, and when, and I think because we sit on the side of coaching couples where they're hurting, our job is to empathize and to listen. And when you feel, when you see the tears.
Meygan:Yeah, when you see the heartbreak, when you hear the stories after stories, after stories and the disconnection is how can you not have compassion on someone who just is like, I put myself out there. Like I'm attracted to my wife. I love her. I want to have sex with her. And it's just hard to hear no every time.
Meygan:And again, we understand every marriage has their own dynamic and their stories, and we're going to go through that. But at the end of the day, if you've never been rejected, the challenge would be to put yourself in your spouse's shoes. How would it feel that if you initiated over and over again and you were rejected? The answer is you would feel horrible.
Casey:Yeah. I have two husbands I'm coaching right now and it's been three months for one of them and a year for the other one. And that level of pain. And then I've I've actually had a other past clients where it's been years, six years.
Meygan:Yeah.
Casey:Right? Where that's just not a component of their marriage and it it slowly slowly starts to just, yeah. They settle in. It it feels more like a prison sentence. Marriage is not a place of joy Mhmm.
Casey:Of this release of, you know, creative energy and and enthusiasm. It's this it's this real drag.
Meygan:Now, again, that's a pretty extreme situation. I would say most people there's rejection because someone's tired, tapped out, touched out stress, their seasons, we've got young kids, or we've got teenagers who are always around and staying up.
Casey:Right. Right.
Meygan:Yeah. And so we still sexual rejections for everybody. Yeah. It's, it's not, it's not necessarily like just a certain amount of couples who are really in a sexless marriage. No.
Meygan:Like, we we've experienced sexual rejection in our marriage where you're like, oh, I put myself out there and it didn't feel good. And I was kinda hoping We've
Casey:had it scheduled. And then we get to that moment where it's like, I'm I'm tapped out.
Meygan:Yes. So
Casey:Yeah. And it's not just been you. I'll say it's been me too.
Meygan:Sometimes you, more so me. Yeah. And we're gonna talk about male and female in a little bit. Okay. But can we talk about this?
Meygan:What what can you do?
Casey:Yeah.
Meygan:Let's bring a message of hope now and healing.
Casey:The first thing that needs to happen is we gotta talk about it. Couples that have a thriving sex life talk about their sex life. Couples that don't talk about their sex life often leave it to assumptions. If it hasn't been brought up in a long time, of course, it's gonna feel awkward because it's a new kind of conversation. But there's this assumption like we should just know Mhmm.
Casey:How to do this.
Meygan:Well, resentment builds if you
Casey:don't talk a about it. Myth that needs to be broken. Mhmm. Hollywood glamorizes the throw you up against the wall, clear the countertop kind of sex where we just kind of think, oh, if that's that's what's that's the expectation. Mhmm.
Casey:And so we set ourselves up for failure because that's not normal married sex.
Meygan:Mhmm.
Casey:Normal married sex, I don't wanna say can feel boring. I'm not that's not the right word, but I'm trying to say it's it's not as like glamorized. It's we get to the go go in the bedroom and we pleasure ourselves.
Meygan:Well, sometimes it is romantic and passionate and hot and sexy. And sometimes it's a little bit mundane routine. Yeah. Like, I've seen your body every day for the last twenty five years. I know what it looks like.
Meygan:It's not like, woah.
Casey:Right? Exactly.
Meygan:And that's normal. And we need to normalize it. And that's why we could talk about it because we want you to understand that this is we don't have Hollywood sex every single night. I think people think we do. We definitely don't.
Casey:We? Yeah.
Meygan:Us. Us. No. There's we we've had dry spells like everybody else. We've had quickies where we're like, okay.
Meygan:It was better that we did that than nothing. Yeah. But we've also had amazing mind blowing sex where you walk away going, why don't we do this more often? It's all of it, right?
Casey:Yes. I just wanna make sure that we set the right expectation for couples to say like, just because it's not mind blowing every single week after week. Mhmm. That's unrealistic. And also I do believe the more you kind of are watching this kind of content where we're talking about sex.
Casey:Now it's kind of being normalized as you're watching this and absorbing this. It'll feel more comfortable because I remember the first time
Meygan:I tried to talk about it with Yeah,
Casey:that was that did not go well. Yeah. I was not I giggled. Well, it was very awkward to me. I grew up in a very conservative home.
Casey:So that was definitely not a topic that was ever brought brought up with. So I it was the educating myself about sex in a healthy way, know, the healthy mentors and leaders and that actually made me feel more comfortable that we can talk about sex without it being awkward.
Meygan:Yes.
Casey:And that's what actually increased and improved our sex life.
Meygan:As we just started talking about it.
Casey:Here's what I'm looking for. Here's what I need. You shared what you're looking for and what you needed.
Meygan:I wanna, I wanna add to that, that it's very common for one spouse to be more uncomfortable than the other. And just know who that is in our marriage. It was Casey. You were more uncomfortable than I was. And to push it to pressure, force it is never a good way.
Meygan:So when you talk about it, you want to come with a really good heart and attitude and perspective. You want to be open minded. You don't want to just talk about your feelings. You really want to say, Hey, I care about us. I care about our marriage, and I care about our sex life.
Meygan:And I would love it if some point this next week or two, we could sit down and we could just have a conversation about it.
Casey:Yeah.
Meygan:Now, plug into our book, three sixty five Connecting I Questions for
Casey:knew you're gonna go there.
Meygan:We have a ton of sex questions because it can be awkward to bring it up out of nowhere. And then you kind of doubt like, well, why are you asking this? You go straight to, negative mode. Like, oh, they're not happy. And so if it's in a book, we have a question a day for three hundred and sixty five days a year in our our connecting questions book, but we say blame Casey and Meygan.
Meygan:Blame us.
Casey:Well, everyone's if you bring up a question randomly, people are kinda what's the question behind the question? What's your motivation behind bringing this up? Yes. So having a tool like, hey, it's this is just the question. So
Meygan:I got this great book for our marriage and hey, this is the question of the day. Oh, happens to be a sex question. That's right.
Casey:Yeah.
Meygan:Yeah. So bring it up, bring it up in love and in a very, I would say gentle way because you're what you're wanting through this conversation is more alignment, more connection, more love, and hopefully more sex. Yes. Alright. Now, can we talk about the three alternatives?
Casey:Three alternatives. Okay. This has been so helpful. When we coach people
Meygan:I know.
Casey:With these, this has been a a just a light bulb moment for them.
Meygan:It was a light bulb moment for when we were taught this. It was like, wait, where have these been all of our lives? Okay. So one of you is not in the mode in the mode in the mode or the mood. Okay.
Casey:You're Sex mode.
Meygan:You are not there. Alright? And so typically, one spouse initiates and we used to do this too. We go our separate corners.
Casey:Yes.
Meygan:You kind of go downstairs. I go upstairs, someone watches TV, someone scrolls on their phone, right?
Casey:Feeling alone and rejected.
Meygan:Yes. And then there's nothing like there's no repair. There's no like talking about it. So then yeah, that rejection is bad. So what we're saying, one of these alternatives are going to help solve this.
Meygan:You won't know which one until you try all three of them. Okay. So first one is connect emotionally. So let's say Casey, initiate sex. I'm not there.
Meygan:I'm feeling bloated. I'm using bloated because I think as a woman in her forties, that can happen at times. Hello, perimenopause. And I'm just not feeling sexy. I know I'm not gonna get there.
Meygan:I can say, hey, you know what? I love you. Thank you for asking. I'm not feeling great right now. But hey, what about can we play a board game?
Meygan:Can we go for a walk? Can we go through one of the questions in our book?
Casey:What you're doing is it's not see you later, doors closed. Yes. It's not this, but let's do
Meygan:this. Exactly. Right? Exactly.
Casey:And we're and then we're connecting, we're together, we're not feeling alone in in silence. We're actually finding enjoyment in each other's pleasure in each other's presence.
Meygan:It was not pleasure. Yeah. Presence. But we're still connecting. Yeah.
Meygan:We're not just it's not full rejection. So it's it's technically like, hey, I'm not gonna get there sexually, but I still love you. I still care about you and I still wanna connect with you.
Casey:Here's why that's so important because the whole purpose behind sex is just have a little bit of an aside. I've talked to a lot of guys that they get into a very performance mindset. Like my job is to thrill you every single time or my job is that we we have a mission to accomplish, you know, I am going to finish. So there's this performance mindset, but the whole point behind sex is actually all about connection.
Meygan:It is.
Casey:It's just a different form of connection.
Meygan:Mhmm.
Casey:This one's a very sexual expression to one one another, but it is all about connection.
Meygan:It is.
Casey:Right? It's not about
Meygan:It's not about the orgasm.
Casey:It's not about the orgasm. It's not even about
Meygan:What you can get.
Casey:Yes. Yeah. Like what You fill in all my
Meygan:words. Well, sorry, but a lot of people go in our We
Casey:do we do interrupt each other just so you guys all know. This is part of who we are. We're very passionate about this topic so
Meygan:We have a lot of opinions.
Casey:I don't take it offensively because I probably I probably do it just as much as you do.
Meygan:Oh, we both interrupt each other. At least we're aware of it.
Casey:Yeah. Anyways, all it to say, sex is about building and strengthening our connection with one another. That's what it it's not about performance. Yeah. So the alternative is rather than not connecting sexually, we're connecting emotionally.
Meygan:Yes. Okay. So that's alternative number one.
Casey:Okay. Number two.
Meygan:Alternative number two is actually schedule it for another night. Hey, you know what? I'm not feeling great tonight. I'm tapped out. I'm exhausted.
Meygan:But tomorrow night's open. Can we schedule it for Thursday night when the kids go to bed? Now the key to this one is you better initiate it the next night. If you don't initiate it the next night and you make another excuse, it's gonna seem like you were just avoiding sex altogether. And then it feels like that intentional rejection.
Casey:Yeah. And this is where I would wanna say, do not just say that verbally because if forget that will be part of even more part like you just said it and you didn't go
Meygan:through this. A deeper rejection right now.
Casey:I'm always about like create systems and structure, whether it's a reminder on your phone, put it in your calendar, they follow through with that. That is really, really important because
Meygan:Yes.
Casey:It's it's like rebuilding trust. I I just said no. Mhmm. But in order to rebuild trust with you, I'm gonna do it again.
Meygan:And I'm gonna say yes, and I'm gonna initiate and say, hey, it's Thursday night. It's in the calendar. Let's get it on. Yeah. Most couples are totally fine with that, having it another night.
Meygan:Yeah. But you just can't do it night after night after night. Yeah. Okay?
Casey:Okay. So like the third alternative, if you're not in the mood, is you can pleasure your spouse. And this has happened several times with us where you're not in the mood, but it hey, let's jump in the shower and you can get me off.
Meygan:I can take care of your needs.
Casey:Yeah, you can. And I think that
Meygan:It's very selfless.
Casey:Yeah. Again, the attitude behind sex is a is about connection. And if that's true, it's not about what we can take. It's about actually how how do we give to each other? And I would say some of the most satisfying moments in our sex life is when I'm able to bring pleasure to you.
Meygan:Yes. It's a turn on.
Casey:It's a it is a huge turn on, but it also
Meygan:It's selfless.
Casey:Feels significant. Like I'm able to do that for you. That's really, that's precious and really important when it comes to our sex life.
Meygan:So if your spouse is hot and horny and ready to go and you're not, but you're like, Hey, I love you. And I want to bring you pleasure. Why wouldn't you serve them? I, I, to me, this is like a no brainer. I guess that's just my thought, but I have a positive attitude about it.
Meygan:But I'm telling you right now, any of these three alternatives, they work. Again, you're just going to have to figure it out and try one and go, Oh, that one. Okay. That was okay. You know, one might work for you and a different alternative might work for your spouse, but it's not rejection now.
Meygan:It's there is an offer for some kind of connection in another way.
Casey:Connection. That's the keyword.
Meygan:That's it. Capital c connection. It's not just, hey, we go our separate ways. That's what we're stressing here so much is we can't keep rejecting and just going our separate ways.
Casey:Yeah. Alright. So finally, we one of the large the biggest issues that we deal with with couples when it comes to the impact in their sex life, oftentimes is not even the things that are going on in the bedroom. It's actually everything outside the bedroom.
Meygan:Ding ding ding ding. Did you hear that?
Casey:Yeah. This I It's huge. With every coaching client, I would say they come to me and they say, Casey, we've got a communication problem. Casey, we got an issue in the bedroom. And I'd like to say, no, don't.
Casey:You don't have a communication problem. You actually have a resentment and unforgiveness problem. And that is where we really have to look at what's the conflict like going on in the relationship. If there's a high conflict couple Mhmm. Where they're they're just going at it, there's a lot of negativity, there's a lot of hot topics, a lot of triggers, a lot of outbursts, of course, that's going to impact your sex life.
Meygan:Of course, it is.
Casey:If couples that we work with where they are critical with their words, they're shaming with their words. Do you think that that's attractive enough where I'd say, I feel safe enough with you to take off my clothes and expose my most vulnerable parts?
Meygan:So
Casey:oftentimes we really want to analyze and look at like, okay, let's talk about how is conflict handled? Is it resolved? Do we feel like there's repair happening in the relationship? Because if not, then that is absolutely gonna impact your sex life.
Meygan:Yes, just make sure you're looking at the issues out of the bedroom. And are they impacting this issue in the bedroom? And chances are they are impacting it.
Casey:So we we also say that love is not the foundation of relationships, it's trust. Now, a spouse that never apologize is mean, doesn't take accountability for
Meygan:Emotionally. Their
Casey:You know, we call it all day foreplay. Like if they don't do anything to pay attention to their partner's needs throughout the day and then all of a sudden come home and go, let's have sex. That communicates something very specifically like, I just care about sex but I don't really care about who you are. Yeah. And that again
Meygan:Over time a row.
Casey:Just starts to go down. Our largest sex organ is not in our pants. Our largest sex organ is our mind. And if it's clouded with all this hurt Yeah. That's not going to be like, I'm excited to jump in the bedroom with you.
Meygan:It's really hard to to to go through that.
Casey:So let's kind of talk to each spouse here because I want to talk to husbands who are being rejected and kind of on that note, I want to ask a couple of questions like, are you connecting with your wife emotionally? Now, one of the tools that you'd reference are connecting questions book. Science reveals that the number one way to build emotional connection with your partners by asking open ended questions. And not talking about work, kids or money, but actually get it building that friendship. Okay.
Casey:So if you're not actively pursuing your wife that way, you're probably not feeling the warmth come your way. Are you being nice? Right? Are you using words that are positive? Words that are building?
Casey:Are you helping around the house? Like, do you just think like, hey, I'm just providing for the family and that's enough. She needs a teammate in in her life.
Meygan:Absolutely.
Casey:Another one, if she has and has communicated insecurities about her body, those are targeted areas where you can use your words to build confidence in her to say, hey, I think you're super attractive. I love your butt. I love your boobs. Like, it's okay. Those are all great words just to say, I love seeing you and I'm I'm so attracted to you.
Casey:Those are great words to build her confidence. And then I would just probably say like, think through her background, her childhood. Like for me, I was raised in a, you know, a very conservative home. Maybe that feels really uncomfortable for her. And maybe that's a opens open space to say, hey, let's get some coaching around this.
Casey:Let's let's talk to somebody that can help us have a healthy non awkward conversation. And kind of the last thing I want to say is, I know that I think it's one out of four women have been sexually abused. And if that's an area that's part of your wife's story, just treat it with compassion.
Meygan:Right?
Casey:She's gonna be on her own healing journey. And I know that's just that's a tough road to walk.
Meygan:Yeah. There's a lot of shame, a lot of embarrassment. And there could be a lot of negative things and feelings when she goes in the bedroom and it had nothing to even do with you. It was someone in the past that took advantage of her. And, if that is you, you know, as a lady, I would say you need to get help.
Meygan:You know, go to go talk to somebody about that. But yeah, I love that list, babe. That was a good list. Good good check for husbands. So now do I get to talk to the woman?
Casey:Yep.
Meygan:I wanna talk to the ladies who've been rejected by their husbands. And I feel like some of you are like, is that really happening? Like, does that happen? Yes. So it used to be that 90% of the time the husband had a higher sex drive and 10% of the time the wife had the higher sex drive, but now where we're at in life, it's about 25% of the time the wife has the higher sex drive and 75 of the time, the husband has a sires.
Meygan:So we usually we're seeing the shift.
Casey:Yes.
Meygan:And there are there are a couple of factors of why this shift is happening. But before I go into that, I want to say this, as a wife, we're we're with our girlfriends at lunch or on the playground, we're talking about our sex life. The majority of women are often talking, oh, my husband's so horny. He's always grabbing my butt, and he always wants to have sex with me, and I'm so tired, and I'm touched out. So if you're that one wife in that group, we were like, I'd give anything for my husband to initiate sex.
Meygan:Yep. I'd give anything for my husband to come up and put himself on me. It is very embarrassing. And it's not really discussed a lot in culture. And I just, my heart goes out to anyone that has that situation because there are 25% of you and it's not a loud bunch.
Meygan:And then you kind of start to doubt what's wrong with me even more. Yeah. Because like all these other ladies are joking. All the sitcom show that the husband's always, you know, sexual and in the mood. And then you're like, but my husband's not.
Meygan:What's wrong with me? It's a lot of shame. And my heart just again goes out to you. So I just wanted to talk about that because it's really important. We're seeing the shift.
Casey:You're, you are normalizing it to say there's a lot.
Meygan:There's a lot There you go. You're not the only one. There's a lot more women out there. Even though you still feel like the only one. Yeah.
Meygan:And you might be the only one in your friend group, which is interesting.
Casey:Stay in your friend group.
Meygan:And your friend group.
Casey:But not out there.
Meygan:Yes. Not out there. Okay. So couple of reasons. There's three main reasons why a husband wouldn't be in the mood as much as a woman that I've seen.
Meygan:Number one is testosterone. I think a lot of men, they don't go to the doctor, but they have low testosterone and they never get it checked. And it's actually a pretty easy fix, right, babe? And it's pretty easy.
Casey:Blood panel. Yep. That's
Meygan:all. I mean, but if if you're a husband and you're like, something's wrong with me. Again, all these other men are horny and wanting sex and I don't, they're very embarrassed. They don't go to the doctor. So one of the first things I'd say is have them go to the doctor, get a blood workup.
Meygan:It could be low iron. Oftentimes it's testosterone. It's a low testosterone easy fix.
Casey:Yep. Okay. And that it, there is actually an easy fix too. I mean, this is something I teach in my men's group where what are some simple ways to
Meygan:boost your testosterone. Exactly. There's a lot of natural ways to boost your testosterone. So that's, that's number one. Number two, when we coach couples and we kind of go through our list is, is he stressed?
Meygan:Stress is a major libido killer. I mean major, I know that's the times that you have rejected me. It's directly linked to stress. You were stressed out. You just couldn't get there mentally.
Casey:There's days that I've had six coaching sessions that go all the way until the evening hours and it's yeah, decision fatigue or if there's a tough financial season where there's a lot of anxiety around that.
Meygan:Yes. So stress is one of the major libido killers to be aware of. So is your husband really stressed out?
Casey:Yeah.
Meygan:And, and, and he, he might be the third is, is he watching porn? I hate to say it, but with, you know, porn wasn't really around. It is now free twenty four seven on our phones.
Casey:Yeah.
Meygan:And if he is snacking on porn and then he comes to the bedroom, his cup is filled. He doesn't need that. He's already, he's doing what we call self sex, not partner sex. Self sex is easier, cheap, really fast, and no one needs to know about it. You don't
Casey:have to talk about budgeting with this person.
Meygan:You don't have to talk about your sex life. It's a fantasy. So if he's watching porn, you may or may not know, that is going to directly impact his libido. Partner sex is a lot more work. There's a lot more effort.
Meygan:It's lot more fulfilling.
Casey:And when someone is regularly watching porn is they're actually training their brain that this is the encounter that will get me excited and off during sex.
Meygan:Correct.
Casey:And then you go to your person that you've been married to for, you know, ten, twenty, thirty years. They don't look like an 18 year old that's on, you know
Meygan:The screen.
Casey:On the screen that's moaning and screaming, probably most likely on drugs and of course she's acting.
Meygan:Well, and she's always willing. That's the thing. Porn is the women are always willing.
Casey:So it sets you your expectations here where kind of we've talked about earlier in this this episode is like, let's lower the expectations and like, there's routine sex and that's okay.
Meygan:Yes.
Casey:That's part of having sex with the same person for decades upon decades.
Meygan:Yes. So. So of course to end everything. Yeah. If this is something you're struggling with, you do not need to struggle with this by yourself.
Meygan:And I understand that sex is a very embarrassing taboo topic for a lot of people, but we're going to challenge everyone. Rise above that. You don't have to stay hurting. You don't have to stay rejected. Try one of these three alternatives.
Meygan:Try to bring it up to your spouse, right? Consider the testosterone levels and pornography and the conflict outside of the bedroom. Like there's a lot here we gave you. It's not to overwhelm you, but it's to say you don't have to stay stuck and you also don't have to continue to feel alone in the bedroom.
Casey:And hopefully this gives you some next steps. Right? I could try this. I can try that. These are strategies that you can use in your marriage to overcome the feeling of sexual rejection.
Casey:But like Meygan said, if you can't get past that, reach out to one of our Marriage365 coaches. They can help you. They can have a a safe conversation. They can we can bring that up, then we can actually work through what are some good other alternatives.
Meygan:Head to marriage365.com to find all of our resources and so much more.
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