Episode 1
· 27:04
Did you know that the first ten seconds of how you bring something up, it's either gonna make or break the rest of the conversation with your spouse? So if you've struggled with bringing up an issue and it turned sideways on you or someone took it personally or wrong in a way that by the time you were done, you didn't get anywhere, you didn't get a solve, and it turned into a fight, that can be so frustrating because you go into the conversation having great intentions and it didn't turn out the way you wanted. So in this episode, we're gonna give you some communication hacks for your marriage that will help you bring stuff up like a grandmaster communicator.
Meygan:Welcome to the Marriage365 Podcast. We are your hosts, Casey and Meygan Caston. And in a world that is very confused about love, relationships, and marriage, we are going to give you clarity and practical next steps so that you can experience the joy of connection and the confidence needed to have a great marriage.
Casey:Okay. So communication is what connects us.
Meygan:Sure does.
Casey:Like if you are having great conversations and it just feels like one conversation flows into the next conversation.
Meygan:I love those. Yeah. Like Feels good.
Casey:It's almost like you were in your date when we were dating.
Meygan:Right? Just so natural and
Casey:it
Meygan:flows and it's easy and it's fun and you feel in love and you're like, this is great. We can go through life together.
Casey:And most of you listening, this is what happened when you're dating. And that's what made you feel connected and like, this is great. Let's do this forever. But if you don't have that, then you're gonna feel disconnected and lonely in your marriage.
Meygan:Yeah. I know that there's so many people us included where you felt like I have this good intention to bring something up. What went wrong? Like that went a totally different way. And it's so frustrating.
Meygan:And then you feel that disconnection. And I think that's why it's so important to really think about how you start a conversation. That's what this episode is all about. It is so important. No pressure.
Casey:Yeah. Well, and that's why, again, I said the first ten seconds, because think about what happens in those first ten seconds, Your tone, the words you use, how hot you're coming in.
Meygan:Your body language.
Casey:Yeah. Even being like loud.
Meygan:Yeah.
Casey:Like that will set your partner either in a place of I wanna hear what my partner has to say or they're going be like,
Meygan:You're coming in.
Casey:You're coming in hot, I'm feeling attacked.
Meygan:Yeah.
Casey:And when we feel attacked, we're not in a posture listening.
Meygan:Yeah, you're going to hear us use the term coming in hot, it's that song who sings it coming in hot.
Casey:Right. LaCrae right. Yeah.
Meygan:Coming in hot. Because it's a joke around here because when either one both Casey and I can come in hot. Okay. I'm just gonna just state that fact.
Casey:We're intense people.
Meygan:We are. We're we're loud people. We're extroverted people. And so I actually have a story for you. So in the beginning of the year, Casey and I were like, okay, we need to get back on track financially.
Meygan:We really wanna have these monthly meetings. We both agreed. We're like, this is great. And so Casey goes, okay. I'm gonna initiate it once a month.
Meygan:Sounds great. Sounds great. We do it month one. Month two, you forgot.
Casey:Yes. Because they're not they're not fun conversations. And I
Meygan:Is that why you forgot?
Casey:I love fun converse I wanna have fun.
Meygan:Okay. Well, regardless okay. So you you forgot, but we're sitting down with our calendars. And now here I am, and I've been stewing a couple days because I'm like, okay. He has he's not bringing it up.
Meygan:And I'm, like, really wanting to have a financial meeting. So out of my mouth, I come in hot. I say with the worst tone, probably my nonverbal was bad too. Are we ever gonna have our financial meeting? Like, just in that, like, snarky, sassy tone and just with a really bad attitude.
Meygan:So did that make you wanna talk about our finances?
Casey:No.
Meygan:No. So I didn't get what I wanted, which is I wanted to talk about our money. And so I feel like this is so relevant to every single couple, matter where you're at in your marriage, that this is something we all need to step back and be aware of. I'm excited for this information because this has really transformed the way we communicate because we don't come in hot as much as we used to.
Casey:No, we don't. I mean, that was the first part of our marriage. We came in hot with every conversation and it never was productive. So imagine if you nail this, like, just this one thing in your relationship where you came in and you were able to have a productive conversation. Like you would solve A a of lot of hours of frustration.
Meygan:Yes. Okay. So how do you fix this? In our coaching practice, we encounter these stories often. And so we wanna walk you through what we do with couples.
Meygan:And there are specifically two steps that we are going to give you right now. So take notes. There are two steps in order on purpose. You ready, babe?
Casey:Unless you're on the treadmill, then that would be hard to take notes.
Meygan:Maybe don't take notes. Yes. Take mental notes.
Casey:On your phone, you can take notes on your phone.
Meygan:There you go.
Casey:There you go. Solve.
Meygan:Okay. Step number one, evaluate. This is where we're gonna actually ask you to assess yourself in the situation. It's kind of like thinking before you speak. I'm sure you've heard that before.
Meygan:You need to do a little self check. Okay? Are you hungry? Because no good conversation comes for when anyone's hangry. Right?
Meygan:Oh, yes. Is this late at night? Is this 10PM, 11PM? I don't know about you guys, but Casey and I, nothing good comes from after 9PM for us.
Casey:We've definitely had several times we look at the clock and we're like, it's 10PM. We'll pick this up tomorrow.
Meygan:Yeah. We're exhausted. Yeah. Are you wanting to be right? Meygan.
Meygan:Yeah. I love to be right. I'm a right fighter. I know.
Casey:Love. When I say, you know what, babe, you're right. You're like, come again. Tell me again. Say it one more time.
Meygan:When the kids say, mom, you're right. I'm like, oh, oh, I was? Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah.
Meygan:But but honestly, I mean, we laugh about it. But if you're going into the conversation and you're just wanting to be right and you are not open to hearing your spouse's perspective, you're setting yourself up for failure. You're setting yourself up for a defensive, mode from your spouse and a communication breakdown. Okay. Here's the other thing.
Meygan:Is your spouse in the middle of doing something? Are they doing the dishes? Are they going to the bathroom? Are they gonna jump in the shower? Are they, you know, running off to work in ten minutes?
Meygan:Like, that's not the best time to bring something up. So you really have to take evaluation.
Casey:Yeah. Oh, and for those that have ADHD, think before you speak, it doesn't really happen.
Meygan:But I feel like you've improved in that area.
Casey:I have. But I know this has been a lifelong struggle of just ready, fire, aim. Okay. So for me, one of the things I'm trying to work on is, you know, is there music on or is there TV on? Is there distractions?
Casey:Right? Are the kids present? I know oftentimes I would come home from work and Meygan's cooking, the kids are up, you know, doing stuff and there's, you know, 50 things happening at the same time and I'm like, hey babe, I wanna have this really serious conversation.
Meygan:And in the midst of chaos, that's almost impossible to have a good conversation. Or you'd come home from work and you would just unload on me. Like Well, yeah. This happened and this happened. And I was like, And
Casey:then can you make 10 more decisions for me right now? Yeah. Okay. Are you being are you being rushed? Right?
Casey:Do you have to get going? If you got ten minutes before you have to leave the house, that's not a great time to start bringing up like, hey, I got I got something to talk tell you about your mother-in-law. Or you know, have you even processed those emotions? Like this one's a big one. Like if you haven't taken time by yourself to think through like, what am I looking for out of this conversation?
Casey:And you're just like trying to verbally process with your spouse in the moment.
Meygan:That's That's risky.
Casey:Yeah. Yeah. Very risky. Here's a big one. Are you doing this over text?
Casey:Yeah. This happens and gets brought up all the time because we see them. People send us the screenshots, Look at this is what my spouse is trying to talk to me about and it's over text.
Meygan:And it should be an in person conversation.
Casey:Exactly. Yeah. So Yeah.
Meygan:So the the idea of this behind the step is I think that if you evaluate yourself, you could probably pick your last argument and go, oh, yeah, it was late at night. Or you know what? I was rushed or he was rushed. I feel like we pick the worst times or when we're not at our best emotionally. And then we're setting ourselves up for failure.
Meygan:Our communication isn't going to be thriving. It's not gonna be healthy. And so make sure you just stop, think before you speak, evaluate the situation, and try to, you know, not have conversations at 11:00 at night or when someone's hungry or the kids are screaming. Like, again, I just don't want you to expect that it's gonna go well if you don't stop and think before you open your mouth.
Casey:That's why I love when we use the wait acronym. Why am I talking? It's just a pause to wait Yeah. And evaluate.
Meygan:It's so and talk about self control and self awareness. What am I needing from this conversation? Are we at a good place right now? I love this. I if I think if everyone did this in all aspects of their life, I think communication would be smoother and
Casey:Yeah.
Meygan:In general.
Casey:Okay. Our second hack is to use a soft startup. So what is a soft startup? It's a gentle and respectful way to bring up a concern without blaming, criticizing or attacking your spouse. Okay?
Casey:So the soft so the opposite of soft startup would be a hard startup, which is when you are coming in with a lot of energy and intensity. So this is about leading with the soft startup. This is about leading with calmness instead of the frustration. Mhmm. Right?
Meygan:So because you can feel that when your spouse comes in hot. Yeah. Your your spouse comes in, maybe they're even like red in the face, cheeks are flushed. They're like, for us, both Casey and I can't see us, but we use our arms a lot when we talk and hand gestures. Like, you of course, you're gonna get defensive.
Meygan:You're gonna feel like you have to defend yourself. So this is why the soft startup is so important.
Casey:And I said it earlier but it bears repeating. If you come in hot and you put someone on the defense, they are in a fight or flight mode, meaning they're not listening, they're ready for battle. Mhmm. And that's how are you to solve any big issues or have those hard conversations if your partner's putting their hands up like ready to box with you, you know?
Meygan:Yeah.
Casey:So research shows that how a conversation starts often predicts how it will end. So that's why we go back to those that first ten seconds are so so important. So take a breath Mhmm. Come in with your spa voice.
Meygan:Right?
Casey:We got we got some examples we're gonna go through with you, but but just think about as we're talking about these examples, there's softness and it also an opportunity for your partner to know that it's safe for us to open up and be vulnerable with each other.
Meygan:Yeah. Where you're providing an emotionally safe place to communicate. So, yes, we're gonna give you some word for word examples. We would recommend memorizing one or two of them. Try them out.
Meygan:Don't forget tone, timing, body language are all so important, and you're gonna notice that all of them start with I.
Casey:Why is that important, Megan?
Meygan:Because I statements are about you and not about your spouse. And so that keeps defenses down. We wanna make sure that we keep things as calm as possible, And we start with I. I I I. If you've ever been told, well, you you do this and you did that and you and ever and you all oh, of I would feel attacked.
Meygan:And, of course, I'm gonna defend myself. So I statements really have been shown by research that they're beautiful, wonderful, and hopefully they will work.
Casey:Because they're not accusatory. That's Correct. If this is what I'm experiencing, I'm sharing my
Meygan:My feelings or my perspective or my view.
Casey:Doesn't prompt somebody to to go on the attack. Okay. So here is our first one. I'd love to talk about something that's been on my mind. Is now a good time?
Meygan:I love that you did this one because you use this one and I appreciate it. Because guess what? Sometimes it's not a good time. It's not. But you're offering that.
Casey:But what you're doing is you're checking in with your spouse and you're giving them an opportunity to see if now really is the best time to talk. And if it's not, then you get to follow-up with, okay, when would be a good time? Right? So Yeah. You're you're putting power back on on them Mhmm.
Casey:To to dictate, you know, now I'm ready to talk about this or I'm not ready to talk about this. Now here's where I really wanna encourage you and I would coach you is to get specific with them. Don't just let them say, you know what, now is not a good time, we'll talk about it later.
Meygan:Oh, because then that later is never gonna happen.
Casey:Yeah. Later is never
Meygan:Avoiders love that.
Casey:Yeah. We'll talk about later. No, she's not now. Great. What time would be better for you?
Meygan:We would say actually pull out your calendar if you can and say, hey, this is really important to me. Can we do this tomorrow at three? Does that work? And I like this one a lot because it's not assuming that your spouse is open to talking about it. Just because they're sitting on the couch doesn't mean that maybe they're in the right mindset, but yes, that's very important to this one.
Meygan:Make sure you put them on the calendar.
Casey:Great.
Meygan:Okay. You ready for our next one? Alright. Next example. I'm feeling a little confused, but I wanted to check-in with you and not make any assumptions.
Meygan:Casey and I say this often. You're probably gonna get sick of hearing us say this, but there are a lot of couples that make a lot of assumptions.
Meygan:I love being able to emotionally check-in with Casey. He may feel angry. Maybe his anger has nothing to do with me. Maybe he had a fight with one of the kids. Maybe he had a bad, you know, session with a coaching client that just went sideways.
Meygan:This really offers the opportunity that you could be wrong. And it gives your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Right? And I just, I love this one so much. Like I'm a little confused.
Meygan:And I just want to check-in because we, we don't really know how to read our spouse sometimes. Even if you think you do, I'm gonna question, I'm gonna challenge you, maybe you're wrong. Maybe they're actually okay. And you've been thinking that they're they're off.
Casey:I I love this because it offers an opportunity to say, I I feel like what was said or what I'm hearing doesn't jive well with me, but I wanna make sure that that wasn't your intention.
Meygan:Yes. So
Casey:oftentimes we we talk about SFDs which stands for something first drafts. We'll let you fill in the s word there, which is just a way to say like first takes are not usually accurate. Mhmm. They're not great and they're loaded with assumptions. Mhmm.
Casey:And so this communication hack, I think is just is so powerful because before you start to take something personal and then feel all the feelings Mhmm. You're kind of like, okay, wait. I wanna check-in. I'm confused. I don't wanna make any assumptions.
Meygan:Yes.
Casey:What can can you give that back to me one more time before I I respond to it?
Meygan:Okay. This would have been great for our financial meeting. I assumed that you just didn't wanna have the meeting. I made an assumption. And while there is
Casey:And some of some of that's true. I'm kinda wincing.
Meygan:Casey's nonverbal right now is speaking very loud to me.
Casey:Well, kinda.
Meygan:Okay. So I was probably a little right. But if I but if I didn't come in hot and I came in, I said, hey. I'm a little confused about our financial meeting, but I wanna check-in with you. I don't wanna make assumptions.
Meygan:Like, did you wanna have this meeting? That would have opened up an opportunity for you to actually share it. You know what? I'm really struggling because this isn't fun for me. And I'm an Enneagram seven and I like fun.
Casey:But I will tell you now that we're talking about this, I also forgot. So it wasn't that I didn't care.
Meygan:There you go.
Casey:I I just I it wasn't on my radar. Now, of course, it wasn't on my radar because I wasn't looking forward to it, but I'm just saying like
Meygan:That's good. That's see, but look at how what a different conversation that would have happened if I would have came in with a soft start up like this. Versus I assume the worst of you and I was like, are we ever going to? Because in my mind that answer was, well, not we're not going to because Casey doesn't wanna have it.
Casey:And I want just wanna say if you are hurting and there's resentment at work, you're not going to assume the positive, you're going to assume the negative because hurt, well, hurt people, hurt people. And when we're hurting, hurting actually makes us really incredibly selfish. And then we're looking for evidence to back up like, well, look at my spouse. My spouse is the problem. Mhmm.
Casey:And and so, yeah. Moving on. Okay. Next one. Here's your next soft startup to memorize.
Casey:I care about us and I wanna be honest about what I'm feeling right now. I love this also because you're starting with positivity. Like, hey, we're a team. I love you. We love each other and that level of positivity Mhmm.
Casey:You know, I know Megan and I have often said, alright, hey, team casting, got a difficult conversation but we work and operate as a team. So you can make it your own but the purpose of this startup is to start off with something positive.
Meygan:Very That
Casey:defensive defenses low.
Meygan:It's the reminder, I love you. We're a team. I care about you. I care about us. I care about our kids.
Meygan:It's like, oh, that's right. That's why they're bringing in this up. Alright. And then our last one is very common. You might have heard it before.
Meygan:A lot of therapists and coaches teach this. It's I feel when you, I need. I feel when you, I need. And the reason why this is so popular is because it's very clear, it's very direct, and it's extremely effective. Let me give you an example.
Meygan:Hey, I feel disconnected and lonely lately because I feel like you've been on your phone after work. And we're having family dinners, and it's our time to connect. And so what I really need is for us to have more time together off of our phones with no screen time. So it's like, I feel when you I need. And I just go back to the power of I statements.
Meygan:It starts with I. All of these ones started with I. I'm I, I, I. And not in a selfish way, in a selfless way of saying, let's just start off by talking about my feelings. And I think the moment you use you, you always, you never, you did this, you did that, you were gonna have a defensive spouse.
Meygan:It's really hard not to have to defend yourself when you feel like you're being attacked. By the way, that is the definition of defensiveness is a perceived attack. Yeah. Doesn't necessarily mean someone's attacking. So you again, intentions are everything.
Meygan:You may have the best intentions, but how you bring it up is going to make or break your spouse's reaction and response.
Casey:What's cool is you can actually pair two of these together. So hey, Megan. I love you so much. I love being with you. We're a great team.
Casey:I want you to know that I feel I'm feeling a little neglected when you are on your phone at the dinner table and I need us to have some conversations around maybe boundaries with tech or when phones should be put away. Right? So there's
Meygan:a Yeah.
Casey:There's a difficult conversation you could you know, you're asking your spouse to put their phone down which I feel like every spouse is doing that to their spouse.
Meygan:You're reminding about how much you care about us.
Casey:But but it it was brought in such a way like I'm I wanna talk about something hard, but because I love you. Yeah. Because I love us.
Meygan:I'm not just trying versus where I think a lot of people are like, oh, there you are on your phone again. Could you put your phone down, please? Right?
Casey:When you are on your phone?
Meygan:Yeah. So I feel like we're all guilty of it, but this is so vitally important. And I, we see this in couples coaching when couples can start to make this shift. Typically 90% of the time their conversations change. They go they go in the right direction.
Casey:Alright. So now what? If Let's talk about what happens if you you do the soft startup and you've done the evaluation, but your spouse is still defensive or takes things personally. So we kinda came up with like there's three things going on. The first one and probably the most important one is that they have resentment towards you.
Meygan:Mhmm.
Casey:Okay. When resentment is at play, right? All of the hurt gets immediately triggered. They can go from zero to a 100 and I think, babe, I mean how many times in our coaching calls do people reach out and they go, so we have communication problems and typically within the first call we're like, alright, I know you think you have communication problems.
Meygan:You have a resentment and a broken trust problem. Yep. Yeah. So even if you come in so sweet and kind and loving with the best attitude, hear us. If your husband or wife has tons of hurt and resentment towards you, they will miss all of your good,
Meygan:of the kind words, all of your loving spirit, because that hurt and that resentment is so high and so thick and runs so deep that they'll miss it. And this is so common. Just want you to know. Very So much
Casey:to say, but you know, if the the story that your spouse is telling themselves is all about you're the enemy, you've hurt me, then you're if communication what connects us and resentment is probably the killer of all communication. So I'd say, if resentment is at play, communication is a nay.
Meygan:That is so cheesy, but okay. Alright. Can we move on?
Casey:Okay.
Meygan:Alright. I think another thing that Casey and I have learned, and this is so good and so humbling, so give yourself grace. Maybe your spouse just doesn't know about soft startups. They don't even know that they're coming in hot. We didn't until someone pointed it out to us.
Meygan:And I think this is what's so wonderful is about communication is that anybody can become a good communicator. Like if there's a desire, they're like, you know what? I'm not that great, but I want to be better. And I think you just kind of know what, you know, maybe your spouse's parents, they've used you statements and they attacked each other and they were blamers and avoiders and no wonder why your husband and wife do that. Right?
Meygan:I think this is just a lot of times a lack of an awareness on a spouse's part.
Casey:But think about this too. Where in culture do we learn how to communicate in a healthy way?
Meygan:Oh goodness. No. Unless if you take a class for it in college, maybe. Yeah.
Casey:Yeah. But this is where we've actually advocated. We we would wish that there'd be in high school and college level classes on teaching people how to do relationships because people don't know how to do them anymore.
Meygan:Yeah. And if it wasn't modeled so this is where I would encourage you to have your spouse listen to our podcast or a sneaky sneak trick is listen to it on your own, but when they're in the same room or when they're in room next to you and just like crank up the volume. They'll kind of overhear it. But yeah, they may just not know that they're even coming in hot. And so that's the grace and the love that you can have on someone.
Meygan:And then another thing that we see, and we're seeing, unfortunately, an increase of this is emotional immaturity. Maybe your spouse has never done any work on themselves. They could be very selfish by nature. Maybe they just have a lot of insecurities. And so there's just insecure people tend to come across as very emotionally immature and emotionally immature people typically aren't great communicators.
Meygan:They're not open to learning about great communication. They think again, you're the problem, not them. And that could also be the reason. Yeah. And so just be aware that if your spouse is defensive every single time you bring something up, and even if you bring something up in love, do a little evaluation and go, do they have resentment?
Meygan:Are they emotionally immature? Do they even know that they're coming in hot? Ask those questions. They're hard questions, but definitely do a little evaluation.
Casey:I feel like in a lot of our coaching sessions, we're encouraging people to exercise self care. And some of that is just journaling or being one with their thoughts. And I mean, would you agree with me? Like, I don't think we live in a society where people are one with their thoughts anymore.
Meygan:Well, it's uncomfortable. We also have a lot of distractions, but I think that, yeah, I I I definitely would agree with you. I don't think enough people stop and pause to go, how am I showing up and how am I communicating? Because we have a mantra
Casey:at
Meygan:Marriage365. And it's this, if you wanna make a better marriage, it starts by making a better you.
Casey:I love that.
Meygan:Which is not a sexy mantra. No. It's it's it's really sorry, but we're putting the ownership on you because it's the only person you have control over. But we live in a culture where we wanna blame everybody else. And we're gonna tell you, we're not fans of that.
Meygan:Because you have no control over anybody else.
Casey:Which is why we're proud that you're listening and learning and growing. Always say that that statement, if you wanna make a better marriage, it starts by making a better you. It sucks because everybody in their relationships, they they tend to be like, well, if my partner was better then we'd have a better relationship.
Meygan:I know.
Casey:But I will say that so many people when you when you get in that posture of if my spouse was better, it's actually a very disempowering statement because it says like, I'm stuck.
Meygan:I can't do anything.
Casey:There's nothing I can do to improve my marriage because my partner won't participate with me. I'm like, well, actually there's a lot you can do and this is definitely one of them. So speaking of, you know, relationship issues can feel very overwhelming, there's a big emotions at play but having a safe and neutral third party to referee, you know, some of these difficult conversations, as well as providing solutions and tools may be what your marriage needs most right now. So if that's you, feel free to reach out to us for coaching.
Meygan:That's it for today's episode of the Marriage365 Podcast. If something hit home for you today, chances are you're not alone. And one of the kindest things you can do is share this episode with a friend or family member. We want to get this message of hope and healing out to as many couples as possible. Subscribing or leaving a review helps us do that.
Casey:For more tools, resources, or even our books, head to marriage365.com.
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